Since everyone is sending us jokes and riddles here’s some I received. The following are all taken from transcripts of true court cases in America.
LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
LAWYER: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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LAWYER: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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LAWYER: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
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LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
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LAWYER: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
LAWYER: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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LAWYER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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– And the best for last: —
LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
Brill!! Totally agree with the best till last bit. I think Jasper Carrot would of liked those back in the days when he used insurance claim statements as part of his act. “The damage occured when I turned into the wrong driveway and hit a tree that I didn’t have” was my favourite.
Hey Rhys, whats brown and white and covered in moss? It’s that bacon sandwich that I’m still waiting for!!! Now will you stop faffing about coleecting as many infections as they can find in a medical directory and get back to the bowling!!!???***
Steve
Comment by Steve Herbert — July 2, 2008 @ 6:09 pm
Hey Rhys. That joke, hilarious! Are you actually gunna give Steve that bacon sandwich? Because I don’t think he can afford it since I have nicked yet another 20 pounds off of him! I could make him go into debt! yea. anyway hope ya get betta soon.
See ya on a Saturday!
Ryz
Comment by Ryan — July 5, 2008 @ 3:11 pm
RYZ u can buy him the bacon sarnie 4 me then with all your mone
Comment by mum — July 6, 2008 @ 3:23 pm